I don't know what it is lately, but I feel extremely disconnected from everything and everybody. I know we all feel like this sometimes, but it seems like something I haven't been able to kick. Maybe it's something that comes along with being a mom. Everything I do revolves around that little girl and I wouldn't change it for the world, but there are times that I feel so damn lonely. I hate feeling that way, too. I miss having a best friend. I suppose that's what happens the older we get. Or not. I don't know what it is...I guess I'm just being a debbie downer, feeling sorry for myself. I feel old and disconnected from the world. I also feel like nobody likes me. Ha! Most days I feel like Max even hates me. But seriously, I just get a feeling that my personality drives people away, I think I can be pretty annoying. At least I have Lola. That really is a sad way of thinking. I'm usually very upbeat and happy and positive and all of those things. What the hell is wrong with me!? Maybe I'm just PMS'ing...or maybe I'm just depressed. Who knows! All I know is that I hope it subsides soon and I get back to feeling better. I figure if I write it down, it will help me move forward.
Along with feeling disconnected, I feel extremely unfulfilled. Unfulfilled in my job/career. I've been lightly perusing job sites and sending out my resume to those jobs that I feel I may be interested in. I'm very good at what I do and I pride myself in knowing that I am really very good at my job. The thing is, who wants to get coffee for someone else 3 days out of the week? I mean, there's more to my job than that but those days when I am asked to do menial bullshit really get to me. I didn't get a fracking college degree to be your coffee maker. Seriously. I just hate that the door to other opportunities seems to be permanently locked. I don't want to be someone's assistant for the rest of my career, but who is going to give me a chance to do something else, say in HR or Travel or Coordination or Management? I'm hoping something else comes from this position, but it's looking bleak these days. I will continue to lurk the job boards and continue to send out my applications and resume to other opportunities that seem to have the possibility of advancement. I feel stuck and it blows.
Another area where I feel stuck? My physical state. I can't seem to get ahead and to shed any weight. I know our metabolism slows down at 30, but geez! Mine has all but disappeared. I still run 3-4 times a week, but I haven't been to the gym in some time. I eat crap and I can't seem to raise myself from eating like shit. I do good most days and I still feel like I eat better than most people, but there are days when I just want to eat candy and chips all day! I rarely do it, and when I do - binge - I feel extremely horrible about myself. I am hoping that once we get into the new house, I will feel better overall and this will lead to me eating better and getting more exercise. I think probably 95% of the reason I eat like crap right now is because our kitchen is a horrible little place. It's old, it's dirty, it's small and I really try not to be in there for any extended amount of time. Thus, leading me to not wanting to cook. So, here's to the hope that my new kitchen, my new awesome kitchen, will lead me to cook more and retain a healthier diet.
And last but not least, my social life. It's not that I miss going out once every few days for drinks/dinner/fun, but it's more that I miss the friendships that I had when I was able to go out as I pleased. I don't even know if that makes sense. I guess I just feel like my friendships have suffered, which is totally understandable. Once you're out of the loop, and not able to partake in certain events that everyone else is, it's just gonna happen. It just makes me sad sometimes. Not that there's much I can do about it, except to try my best to try to nourish those friendships I have.
With all of that being said, what happens now? One - stop being a debbie downer. Two - work on building friendships and trying new things. Three - continue the job search, something is bound to come up that I am qualified for, interested in, and LOVE. Until then, I'm going to wallow in my own filth for the remainder of the day.
7 comments:
i feel like that a lot---especially the "feeling annoying" part, and i know it's stupid, but it can be a hard thing to shake!
but be it a pms-driven mood or not, you're at least cognizant of your feelings and by writing it out, you become even more aware of them and in turn that much more motivated to change the way you feel about life and work. you'll work you way out of this!
i mean, "your".
and p.s. you're not annoying, in fact, you're the opposite of annoying. you're a good listener and you're not obsessed with talking about yourself. those are qualities that many people could use more of, myself included.
Aww geez, now I know I'm pms'ing cause I'm about to cry! Thanks for saying that, Kare-bear! You're not annoying either. XO!
Wow, Amers. I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way, and, NO, you're not annoying. Maybe if we hung out more, I might feel that way, but... just kidding. Kiddos or not, all of us feel disconnected from our relationships at some point, especially as we get older. It's usually a combo of person A's life taking them in one direction, and person B's life taking them in another. It's RARELY to do with a person's personality traits, or being perceived as annoying. Point is, the feelings are usually mutually contributed to by both parties, and are totally unintentional. It seems like you're just lost and need a jump start for your confidence. Not seeing your bfs, and not feeling fulfilled at work, and not being happy with yourself are all adding up to you needing a motivational kick in the pants. I hope you get it soon. In the meantime, when can we do a gals saturday brunch again, hmmm? :)
i too, feel you on this. i think it just happens the older we get, our priorities change and not that yourself or your friendships are any less important, it's just that sometimes they get put on the backburner. it's truly important to make time for yourself, be it running, or shopping or with your friends.
and no, you're not annoying, i love hang times with you!
and i have to agree with dbear, the combination of all three things may just bee so overwhelming, so think about tackling one at a time...for instance girls night out! or changing up the eating habits or just spending some time with yourself at the movies or the mall.
another one of your girlfriends here to concur. i am seriously feeling out of the loop with just about everyone: my coworkers, my family, you ladies. it even makes me sad realizing these blogs have all been written so long ago and i didn't even have time to read them. between work and school, i barely had time for anything. and now with this house hunt, which is totally consuming me, i feel like a leper. work is especially where i'm feeling ostracized. i don't live up north like they all do, so i don't go to every happy hour which they have on the regular. because of this, i'm left out of 90% of the conversations they have at work. it's annoying, but what can i do? i don't feel that bad about it because, honestly, i don't think i would be friends with these people if i didn't work with them (likewise for them i'm sure). the only thing we have in common is that we're teachers and we work together. so yeah, i try to cheer myself by saying i have brian and my family and you girls. but i even feel out of the loop there too because i'm just not around (not with brian of course). ugh - this has turned into a total vent session. anyway, i'm looking forward to this summer and spending much more time with all the people i love and truly care about. and once school starts up again, i want to keep it that way. now that i'm done with graduate school, i have no excuses! and one last thing...are we going to see satc 2 together? it must happen. (amy, i'm realizing that this is a comment to your blog and you may be the only one who reads this...but i had to get it all out. maybe i'll tell them to come back and check these comments - ha!)
Aww, Nicolina! Well, at least I can read it. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. But we at least know one thing. That your (we're) not the only ones to have these feelings. Obviously, it's something all of us struggle with and it blows. I think making sure we just continue to make time for each other really helps. And in doing so, a SATC2 girl night date is definitely in order! Let's seriously make this happen! Love you Nicole and I hope the summer months bring you a renewed sense of connection with everyone!
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