Words

I love reading! The other night after finishing a chapter in the book I'm currently reading, I set it down and exclaimed, "I love reading!" to Max. He promptly told me that I just had a "Ralph" moment. But, I do! I really do. I wish I had more time in the day so I could read more. I read while I'm sitting in traffic, eating lunch, and any other free second I get - I read. I'm currently reading a book entitled, "Amy and Isabelle". It's a story about a mother and daughter, and that is why I chose this particular story. It's won a few awards and the author has a few other books that I am looking forward to starting. This book tells the story of a single mother and her teenage daughter in a small-town in New England. The daughter, seemingly innocent and all-american begins an affair with her high school math teacher. I'm only halfway through, but I really like it. It's just amazing to me how well this author captures the relationship and all of the tension between mother and daughter. At times, I felt like I was reading my diary from my teenage years. It's also amazing that I now identify more with the mother and her reasons behind the damaged relationship. I totally get the daughter's situation. But, I guess this whole motherhood thing...I'm totally siding with the mom (Isabelle) in the story. I am angry at the teacher in this book for taking advantage of the daughter (Amy).This story just kind of speaks to me, and I like that.

I also just finished The Great Gatsby and My Sister's Keeper. The Great Gatsby was a pretty good and easy read. I wanted to revisit this book. Of course, it was required reading in High School and I honestly did not remember anything about it, so I wanted to re-read. It was good. I can definitely see the reasons it is considered a 'classic'. I've actually listed the movie version on my netflix queue. I think this is my new hobby. Reading a book and then watching the movie. It's quite fun! Although the books are always so much better. Which brings me to the next book, My Sister's Keeper. Good lord! I could barely finish this book. Not that it was bad, but because it was so freaking sad. It took me a while to finish, because I seriously had to stop multiple times to gather myself. That's just something that no mother wants to ever think about; not even mothers...anyone wants to think about, ever. All I kept picturing was Lola and what would we do if, God forbid, anything ever happened to her. Geez. Overall, it was a great read and I really enjoyed the story, for the most part. I'm glad I read it. And I should be receiving the movie in the next few weeks!

On the queue for this weekend? Atonement. Loved the book. Excited about the movie. Although sometimes it pains me to have to look at Keira Knightley and her puckered lips for any extended length of time. I guess I'll just have to deal. James McAvoy should make up for it, methinks.

Disconnected

I don't know what it is lately, but I feel extremely disconnected from everything and everybody. I know we all feel like this sometimes, but it seems like something I haven't been able to kick. Maybe it's something that comes along with being a mom. Everything I do revolves around that little girl and I wouldn't change it for the world, but there are times that I feel so damn lonely. I hate feeling that way, too. I miss having a best friend. I suppose that's what happens the older we get. Or not. I don't know what it is...I guess I'm just being a debbie downer, feeling sorry for myself. I feel old and disconnected from the world. I also feel like nobody likes me. Ha! Most days I feel like Max even hates me. But seriously, I just get a feeling that my personality drives people away, I think I can be pretty annoying. At least I have Lola. That really is a sad way of thinking. I'm usually very upbeat and happy and positive and all of those things. What the hell is wrong with me!? Maybe I'm just PMS'ing...or maybe I'm just depressed. Who knows! All I know is that I hope it subsides soon and I get back to feeling better. I figure if I write it down, it will help me move forward.

Along with feeling disconnected, I feel extremely unfulfilled. Unfulfilled in my job/career. I've been lightly perusing job sites and sending out my resume to those jobs that I feel I may be interested in. I'm very good at what I do and I pride myself in knowing that I am really very good at my job. The thing is, who wants to get coffee for someone else 3 days out of the week? I mean, there's more to my job than that but those days when I am asked to do menial bullshit really get to me. I didn't get a fracking college degree to be your coffee maker. Seriously. I just hate that the door to other opportunities seems to be permanently locked. I don't want to be someone's assistant for the rest of my career, but who is going to give me a chance to do something else, say in HR or Travel or Coordination or Management? I'm hoping something else comes from this position, but it's looking bleak these days. I will continue to lurk the job boards and continue to send out my applications and resume to other opportunities that seem to have the possibility of advancement. I feel stuck and it blows.

Another area where I feel stuck? My physical state. I can't seem to get ahead and to shed any weight. I know our metabolism slows down at 30, but geez! Mine has all but disappeared. I still run 3-4 times a week, but I haven't been to the gym in some time. I eat crap and I can't seem to raise myself from eating like shit. I do good most days and I still feel like I eat better than most people, but there are days when I just want to eat candy and chips all day! I rarely do it, and when I do - binge - I feel extremely horrible about myself. I am hoping that once we get into the new house, I will feel better overall and this will lead to me eating better and getting more exercise. I think probably 95% of the reason I eat like crap right now is because our kitchen is a horrible little place. It's old, it's dirty, it's small and I really try not to be in there for any extended amount of time. Thus, leading me to not wanting to cook. So, here's to the hope that my new kitchen, my new awesome kitchen, will lead me to cook more and retain a healthier diet.

And last but not least, my social life. It's not that I miss going out once every few days for drinks/dinner/fun, but it's more that I miss the friendships that I had when I was able to go out as I pleased. I don't even know if that makes sense. I guess I just feel like my friendships have suffered, which is totally understandable. Once you're out of the loop, and not able to partake in certain events that everyone else is, it's just gonna happen. It just makes me sad sometimes. Not that there's much I can do about it, except to try my best to try to nourish those friendships I have.

With all of that being said, what happens now? One - stop being a debbie downer. Two - work on building friendships and trying new things. Three - continue the job search, something is bound to come up that I am qualified for, interested in, and LOVE. Until then, I'm going to wallow in my own filth for the remainder of the day.

Delays

Well, our closing date was supposed to be this week, but we've hit some delays and we don't know yet when our new closing date will be. Last week, the mortgage company let us know that due to a 5.5 year old collection account that is listed as "in dispute" by consumer, we were denied. Long story short...Back in August 2009, I sent in a dispute letter to this collection agency for them to verify and validate the information they were reporting. They had a few incorrect line items and were reporting incorrectly, so as a consumer, and having the full legal right to do so, I asked for verification and validation of this account. By law, these collection agencies must notate on the tradline that the consumer has disputed this information. If they are unable to provide documentation or proof that the alleged debt is owed, then they are required to remove or at least start reporting the accurate information. Well apparently, since all of this madness went down with the recession and all of the foreclosures and pretty much people who got loans they knew they couldn't afford, Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae implemented some new guidelines to adhere by. They don't want the Underwriters to see that any account is in dispute. Regardless of the reason. It's pretty ridiculous and a lot of people are pissed off about it. Including me! Anyways, the underwriter asked me to try to get a written verification that this account is no longer in dispute. I, of course, called the collection agency straight away and told them, with great displeasure, that I no longer dispute the account and that they need to remove the notation from my credit reports. Well, they did that, because they have to. What they don't HAVE to do is send me anything in writing. I mean, why would they? Why would they want to help out someone who is never going to pay them? So, they refused to send me anything in writing, I let the Underwriter know, and they can't process the loan without the document. So stupid. The account is NOT in dispute, but they still won't do it.

Next step is to send our information to an affiliate lender through Pulte to see if they will approve and process the loan. My sales rep assured me that she was about 90% confident that they would do it. IF they are unable to do anything, only then can we go with the original plan, with Ryan. This time all of the incentives will be matched and carried over to Ryan because Pulte was unable to do anything for us.

So, we're once again waiting to hear something. This part really sucks and is really stressful for us. I hope the process is quicker this time and we hear something soon. Until then, our fingers are crossed and we are hoping that we have luck with this affiliate lender. Poooooo!!!!

I must admit...

Yesterday, we went to Max's dads house for some pawpaw time for Lola. They happened to be watching Twilight. I've been very, very skeptical about this whole craziness...just never understood all of the attention. Well, we watched about 30-45 minutes of the movie and I can now say that I might just understand the hype now. Very campy. Very cultish. Kinda goofy. Still not gonna read the books or anything, but I may watch the movie when it comes on TNT or something. And I finally saw what all the hoopla about R-Patz is, as well. Only when he was super vampir-ey, though. Still no Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise circa 'Interview' days, but nonetheless, I get it. And, does Kristen Stewart annoy anyone else? Girl always looks stoned! And I guess it's just the Bella character, but why so serious? Geez. Get a sense of humor, Debbie! Thing about it is, it just seems like she's totally that same personality in real life.


Wow, I really just wrote a blog about Twilight.

Making this House a Home

Now the waiting...

It's official, we've found a house that we love, that we are ready to grow old in, that we will watch Lola grow up in. It's a lovely house in a lovely neighborhood and we are super duper excited to be able to do this together. Now the hard part - waiting. Waiting for final loan approval, for closing negotiations and final walk throughs and such. I just wish we could do this now! We are seriously ecstatic that we found this home and we don't want to lose it if something falls through. That's the only iffy part right now. Fingers are crossed that everything is processed and no weirdness happens.

We're also going to be needing new furniture, which is awesome yet scary at the same time. Because, well, where are we going to come up with the money for a whole new living room set?? I guess we'll just have to accumulate slowly.

Gosh, now I will get to decorate and have a "theme" of some sort. Maybe I'll get better at it as time goes on. Cause right now, honey...I'm all over the place.

Kemah Run

This past Saturday, my mom and I ran a 10K in Kemah, The Galloway Gallop. Well, my official time was 1:12:47. That sucks! That is 5 minutes slower than the 10K I ran in October. I blame it on my lack of "training" in the weeks leading up to the race, and also my impending cycle, which I started the very next day. So, that kind of lit a fire under my arse and in order to please myself, I went out to Memorial the next day to start the work. There is another race at the end of the month - The Rodeo Run - that I am going to sign up for. I really want to try to improve my 5K time and get that under or at least, AT 30 minutes. On Sunday, I made myself run the entire 3.10 miles at Memorial and actually tried to do some speed work. I made it around in 32 minutes. I would love to shave off those last 2 minutes. So I think I will sign up for the 5K instead of the 10K this time. Maybe this will allow me to better my 10K time in the next race. So, Monique, we get to run a 5K on the 27th! It'll be a breeze compared to the half-marathon!

Newish

I need a new 'do. I'm thinking bangs. Figure if I hate, then I'll just pin them back until they grow. I think I'll cut first and then do something about the color a little later. Here are some styles I'm diggin'.



I like the length of this, and the side sweep of the bangs. And the color ain't bad, either.



I also like the bangage here.



This is what I usually end up going with, no bangs. I like the length here, though.



I'm even considering something drastic like so. I've NEVER had bangs and I think this might look alright on my head. But I'm kinda scared. But I kinda just want to do it! Scared it may make me look a little older, too.

Last one - and this is probably, in all likelihood the one I will go with. I think it's time:

It's Official!

Well, like 95% official, at least. Last night I got word back that Max and I have been pre-qualified for a new mortgage loan! There is still the signing of the agreement and the underwriting, but hoping to take care of that by next week. We got approved for the amount that we both agreed on. Didn't want to take on too much, so we found a happy medium range. I am so very excited. I have wanted this for so long and it's finally happening. Ryan is putting me in touch with a realtor with whom he's worked many deals with and who he says is amazing. There is an Open House this weekend that I plan on going to, and that will be my official first house that I look at. My fingers are crossed that we can find something quick and easy. Especially before the end of April when the tax rebate expires. I think as long as we are both proactive in looking at houses and negotiating, we shouldn't have a problem. I'm admittedly sad that we will be further away from the city and most of our friends, but I think the suburbs is the best option for us at this point. I can admit that I've always known I'd move back out to the 'burbs, and I'm okay with that. The drive will be a little longer, and I will have to deal with traffic again, but I think it evens out. Lola will have a yard to play in, a sidewalk to run around on, a neighborhood to grow in...which are, after all, the most important things to me.

Now onto a major savings spree to add on as much as possible before closing! I guess my highlight touch-up and haircut will have to wait.

Wish me luck in this new endeavor! And, just to let you know, I've already begun our house warming gift registry.

Just kidding.

Maaaaaaaaaaaybe.

Update

I think we've come up with an answer to our sleep problems. Last night was business as usual and Lola refused her milk and although extremely tired, refused to sleep in her bed. We put her in our bed and she was asleep in 10 minutes. But, we tricked her. This time Max was able to pick her up and move her to her bed after she was asleep for about 2 hours. I actually got to get into bed without a little foot pushing into my ribs! We laughed about how mad she was going to be when she woke up and she was in her bed and not ours. Well, 2 am comes along and Lola is screaming, running down the dark hallway! Max got up and got her and put her into bed with us. She was angry, she was mean and she screamed for about 3 minutes after she got into her spot in between us. It was pretty funny. I got at least 4 hours of good sleep. She wasn't too bad last night, though. She slept on my butt, but I was still able to sleep decently until the alarm went off. So, our idea is just to continue to move her to her bed after she falls asleep and soon she should just stay in there without waking up - like the good ole days. Max and I had a good laugh this morning about mad she was! Pretty hilarious.

Oh, Lola...you bring such joy and laughter to us every day.

On another note, exercise. Remember that? Yea, I don't. I am running a 10K on Saturday and I haven't run since last Saturday - and only 4.5 miles at that. I plan on going today, but this weather is killing me. I remember around this time last year I was hitting up the gym almost every day. I was on a roll. Where is my motivation? I'm still fat, probably fatter than last year and I just can't seem to find that motivation or energy to get my fat ass out to Memorial or to the gym. The weekends are fine. I am up and at 'em. But, the weekdays are just killer. I don't know, maybe I need a new work schedule. Come in a little earlier, thus leave earlier and make it to Memorial before dark. Oh, yeah, but I have that thing...that adorable little monkey at home waiting for me every day. If she weren't such a spaz, I could start taking her in the stroller again, but I'm not going to have a repeat of the last time we did that. She was horrible. Max has begun offering to "let" me go after I get home, but that's like the only time with Lola before bed! If I can just make it home, get dinner ready, get the baby ready for bath & bedtime, get her to bed and still be motivated to go by 7:00, then I'm set. It's that whole making it until 7, though. It's just there are so many days when I can't even fathom a measly 3 miles. I have to force myself out these days. Maybe I'm just PMS'ing and next week will be better!

Here's to PMS. Loveya/hateya.

Regression

I will be the first to admit that Max and I lucked out on the newborn part and not getting enough rest through those first few months. Lola began sleeping through the night at the ripe, young age of 2 months. There was the occassional teething/not feeling well nights, but they were pretty much few and far between. She's had the same routine since birth - bath time, warm milk, cuddles with momma, and bed. 9 times out of 10 she was out for the count. It was lovely.

Fast-forward 18 months, and we have a terror on our hands!! Serious screaming, crying, fit-throwing evenings await us these days. No changes. Same routine as always, so what's the deal? It's not like she's not tired and we're forcing her to go to bed before she's ready. She is extremely tired, head-bobbing, glassy eyed-tired. This has been going on for about 2 weeks. She would cry when put in her bed and continuously get out of bed and scream. Max had taken it upon himself to lay in our bed with her until she fell asleep, usually about 15-30 minutes. Then he was able to pick her up, lay her in her bed and walk away. And she would sleep through the night, as usual. Well, last night was pretty bad. She didn't take but a 20 minute nap all day. She played and ran around outside and helped Momma with the laundry. Around her 6'oclock bath time, she was more than ready. Or so it seemed.

First, she didn't want her milk, which is odd, but not too big of a deal. So, I go to take her to bed and she freaks out. I stay in her room and lay in her bed with her and pretend to sleep. She refuses. She's up and trying to play. I put her back into the bed with me, more fighting it. She does not want to do this. So, I get out of the bed and put her back in, thinking maybe I'm crampin' her style. Not so much. So, I put her back into her bed about 15 times, each time she gets out. I think maybe she just wants some more cuddle time, so I pick her up and hold her, and of course, she begins dozing off in my arms. When I go to lay her down, she wakes up, throws open her door and runs down the hallway, screaming. She then proceeds to throw a fit and she is laying on the floor, crying, almost asleep. I decide to just go put her in our bed. Within 5 minutes, she is passed out. Awesome. I fixed it!

Well, when Max goes to bed, he goes to put her in her bed, which always worked before...but she's onto him and she is awake and up and screaming again. We try to let her "cry-it-out", but she's too far gone. Blood curdling screams. And I'm not gonna sit through that. So, we let her sleep in bed with us. Pretty much the FIRST time ever to sleep through the night and morning in our bed. This is new territory for us. It was sweet, I admit, but dang it if she is the world's worst sleeper! Feet in faces, farts on heads, hands in eyeballs...she pretty much moves around all night and is a bed hog. Ha! But, I do not want to develop bad habits and have her in our bed until she's 4 or anything. So, I decided to do a little bit of research on the subject and lo and behold! "18-month sleep regression". SWEET.

I found this exact same sentiment on AskMoxie blog, and I can say it describes my feelings to a T:

"This is a bullet straight to my heart. 18 months was probably the lowest point in my parenting career. The first 3-4 months were excruciating, sure, but I knew they would be rough and I got a lot of sympathy from everyone who remembered how disorienting and grueling the newborn phase can be. At 18 months, though, I was just blindsided. He was the same kid, but everything just seemed so much harder at that stage.

He wouldn't nap. He went from sleeping all night to waking all night. He had a tantrum every 5 minutes, it seemed, mostly because he wanted to do everything himself and it just wasn't possible. He hardly ate. He whined. He never shared with the other kids and he always tried to yank out our cat's fur.

And then at around 20 months it just suddenly went back to normal.

Your kid may have a serious, mind-blowingly awful sleep regression at around 18 months. It's not your fault, and it will pass."

Lola isn't the devil-baby after all! So glad to know this and now that she's officially 19-months, hopefully this will only last 1 more month. Until that time, we will continue to try to get her to sleep in her own room, but if it's too much of a fight, then we are willing to accommodate her regression and allow her to sleep in our bed.