Words

I love reading! The other night after finishing a chapter in the book I'm currently reading, I set it down and exclaimed, "I love reading!" to Max. He promptly told me that I just had a "Ralph" moment. But, I do! I really do. I wish I had more time in the day so I could read more. I read while I'm sitting in traffic, eating lunch, and any other free second I get - I read. I'm currently reading a book entitled, "Amy and Isabelle". It's a story about a mother and daughter, and that is why I chose this particular story. It's won a few awards and the author has a few other books that I am looking forward to starting. This book tells the story of a single mother and her teenage daughter in a small-town in New England. The daughter, seemingly innocent and all-american begins an affair with her high school math teacher. I'm only halfway through, but I really like it. It's just amazing to me how well this author captures the relationship and all of the tension between mother and daughter. At times, I felt like I was reading my diary from my teenage years. It's also amazing that I now identify more with the mother and her reasons behind the damaged relationship. I totally get the daughter's situation. But, I guess this whole motherhood thing...I'm totally siding with the mom (Isabelle) in the story. I am angry at the teacher in this book for taking advantage of the daughter (Amy).This story just kind of speaks to me, and I like that.

I also just finished The Great Gatsby and My Sister's Keeper. The Great Gatsby was a pretty good and easy read. I wanted to revisit this book. Of course, it was required reading in High School and I honestly did not remember anything about it, so I wanted to re-read. It was good. I can definitely see the reasons it is considered a 'classic'. I've actually listed the movie version on my netflix queue. I think this is my new hobby. Reading a book and then watching the movie. It's quite fun! Although the books are always so much better. Which brings me to the next book, My Sister's Keeper. Good lord! I could barely finish this book. Not that it was bad, but because it was so freaking sad. It took me a while to finish, because I seriously had to stop multiple times to gather myself. That's just something that no mother wants to ever think about; not even mothers...anyone wants to think about, ever. All I kept picturing was Lola and what would we do if, God forbid, anything ever happened to her. Geez. Overall, it was a great read and I really enjoyed the story, for the most part. I'm glad I read it. And I should be receiving the movie in the next few weeks!

On the queue for this weekend? Atonement. Loved the book. Excited about the movie. Although sometimes it pains me to have to look at Keira Knightley and her puckered lips for any extended length of time. I guess I'll just have to deal. James McAvoy should make up for it, methinks.

Disconnected

I don't know what it is lately, but I feel extremely disconnected from everything and everybody. I know we all feel like this sometimes, but it seems like something I haven't been able to kick. Maybe it's something that comes along with being a mom. Everything I do revolves around that little girl and I wouldn't change it for the world, but there are times that I feel so damn lonely. I hate feeling that way, too. I miss having a best friend. I suppose that's what happens the older we get. Or not. I don't know what it is...I guess I'm just being a debbie downer, feeling sorry for myself. I feel old and disconnected from the world. I also feel like nobody likes me. Ha! Most days I feel like Max even hates me. But seriously, I just get a feeling that my personality drives people away, I think I can be pretty annoying. At least I have Lola. That really is a sad way of thinking. I'm usually very upbeat and happy and positive and all of those things. What the hell is wrong with me!? Maybe I'm just PMS'ing...or maybe I'm just depressed. Who knows! All I know is that I hope it subsides soon and I get back to feeling better. I figure if I write it down, it will help me move forward.

Along with feeling disconnected, I feel extremely unfulfilled. Unfulfilled in my job/career. I've been lightly perusing job sites and sending out my resume to those jobs that I feel I may be interested in. I'm very good at what I do and I pride myself in knowing that I am really very good at my job. The thing is, who wants to get coffee for someone else 3 days out of the week? I mean, there's more to my job than that but those days when I am asked to do menial bullshit really get to me. I didn't get a fracking college degree to be your coffee maker. Seriously. I just hate that the door to other opportunities seems to be permanently locked. I don't want to be someone's assistant for the rest of my career, but who is going to give me a chance to do something else, say in HR or Travel or Coordination or Management? I'm hoping something else comes from this position, but it's looking bleak these days. I will continue to lurk the job boards and continue to send out my applications and resume to other opportunities that seem to have the possibility of advancement. I feel stuck and it blows.

Another area where I feel stuck? My physical state. I can't seem to get ahead and to shed any weight. I know our metabolism slows down at 30, but geez! Mine has all but disappeared. I still run 3-4 times a week, but I haven't been to the gym in some time. I eat crap and I can't seem to raise myself from eating like shit. I do good most days and I still feel like I eat better than most people, but there are days when I just want to eat candy and chips all day! I rarely do it, and when I do - binge - I feel extremely horrible about myself. I am hoping that once we get into the new house, I will feel better overall and this will lead to me eating better and getting more exercise. I think probably 95% of the reason I eat like crap right now is because our kitchen is a horrible little place. It's old, it's dirty, it's small and I really try not to be in there for any extended amount of time. Thus, leading me to not wanting to cook. So, here's to the hope that my new kitchen, my new awesome kitchen, will lead me to cook more and retain a healthier diet.

And last but not least, my social life. It's not that I miss going out once every few days for drinks/dinner/fun, but it's more that I miss the friendships that I had when I was able to go out as I pleased. I don't even know if that makes sense. I guess I just feel like my friendships have suffered, which is totally understandable. Once you're out of the loop, and not able to partake in certain events that everyone else is, it's just gonna happen. It just makes me sad sometimes. Not that there's much I can do about it, except to try my best to try to nourish those friendships I have.

With all of that being said, what happens now? One - stop being a debbie downer. Two - work on building friendships and trying new things. Three - continue the job search, something is bound to come up that I am qualified for, interested in, and LOVE. Until then, I'm going to wallow in my own filth for the remainder of the day.

Delays

Well, our closing date was supposed to be this week, but we've hit some delays and we don't know yet when our new closing date will be. Last week, the mortgage company let us know that due to a 5.5 year old collection account that is listed as "in dispute" by consumer, we were denied. Long story short...Back in August 2009, I sent in a dispute letter to this collection agency for them to verify and validate the information they were reporting. They had a few incorrect line items and were reporting incorrectly, so as a consumer, and having the full legal right to do so, I asked for verification and validation of this account. By law, these collection agencies must notate on the tradline that the consumer has disputed this information. If they are unable to provide documentation or proof that the alleged debt is owed, then they are required to remove or at least start reporting the accurate information. Well apparently, since all of this madness went down with the recession and all of the foreclosures and pretty much people who got loans they knew they couldn't afford, Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae implemented some new guidelines to adhere by. They don't want the Underwriters to see that any account is in dispute. Regardless of the reason. It's pretty ridiculous and a lot of people are pissed off about it. Including me! Anyways, the underwriter asked me to try to get a written verification that this account is no longer in dispute. I, of course, called the collection agency straight away and told them, with great displeasure, that I no longer dispute the account and that they need to remove the notation from my credit reports. Well, they did that, because they have to. What they don't HAVE to do is send me anything in writing. I mean, why would they? Why would they want to help out someone who is never going to pay them? So, they refused to send me anything in writing, I let the Underwriter know, and they can't process the loan without the document. So stupid. The account is NOT in dispute, but they still won't do it.

Next step is to send our information to an affiliate lender through Pulte to see if they will approve and process the loan. My sales rep assured me that she was about 90% confident that they would do it. IF they are unable to do anything, only then can we go with the original plan, with Ryan. This time all of the incentives will be matched and carried over to Ryan because Pulte was unable to do anything for us.

So, we're once again waiting to hear something. This part really sucks and is really stressful for us. I hope the process is quicker this time and we hear something soon. Until then, our fingers are crossed and we are hoping that we have luck with this affiliate lender. Poooooo!!!!

I must admit...

Yesterday, we went to Max's dads house for some pawpaw time for Lola. They happened to be watching Twilight. I've been very, very skeptical about this whole craziness...just never understood all of the attention. Well, we watched about 30-45 minutes of the movie and I can now say that I might just understand the hype now. Very campy. Very cultish. Kinda goofy. Still not gonna read the books or anything, but I may watch the movie when it comes on TNT or something. And I finally saw what all the hoopla about R-Patz is, as well. Only when he was super vampir-ey, though. Still no Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise circa 'Interview' days, but nonetheless, I get it. And, does Kristen Stewart annoy anyone else? Girl always looks stoned! And I guess it's just the Bella character, but why so serious? Geez. Get a sense of humor, Debbie! Thing about it is, it just seems like she's totally that same personality in real life.


Wow, I really just wrote a blog about Twilight.