ONE YEAR

One year ago today I was in the hospital, cringing in pain, anxiously awaiting our little Lola to enter this world. I can remember it like it was yesterday, and I cannot believe that a year has passed. It's been a whirlwind of new emotions and experience. I think it's a good time to reflect back on the year and all that I've learned in this short period of time.

1) There are no words to describe the absolute love and admiration that takes over when you first see and hold your own baby for the first time. I could have never imagine the overwhelming sense of love and fear that is constantly described in all of the pregnancy books I read. That first moment...there are no words, and I finally understood what all of the books were talking about. It's amazing and miraculous, but until you experience it first-hand, it's practically unexplainable.

2) No matter how much you prepare, read, research and plan - those maternal instincts will just kick in and you will know exactly what to do. I knew that I was, by no means, "maternal" or "motherly", I had no idea how to hold, feed, change, swaddle or even clean a baby. What the hell was I thinking?! But, by that second...okay by the fourth day...I knew exactly how she liked to be held, when she was hungry, and when she needed to be changed. The whole bath & swaddling thing came a little later, though!

3) Mommy-Time - Take it. Don't feel guilty (although this continues to be a struggle at times), and get out of the house. While I was pregnant it seemed that I stayed in my house for 9 months; except to go to school, doctor appointments and to work, I tried to stay in as much as I could. I didn't want to do anything! And those first 4 months after having her, I was home all of the time. No job, no more doctor appointments, no school...it was so draining. I felt my brain cells melting away. So, as soon as I was able to get out and start exercising and meeting friends for dinner and/or drinks, it was great. Of course, the mom-guilt set in and I began to feel bad for wanting to get out for a few hours. But, after a few weeks and reading buttloads of mom-forums and articles on baby websites, I began to realize that "mommy-time" was not a bad thing. For one, it allowed Max and Lola to bond more, and it also allowed me to hold on to my sanity. I learned that I am allowed to still be AMY, and not just mom. I've learned that it's healthier for Lola to grow up knowing that Momma has a life and is still an independent person...just like I hope she will be.

4) Date Nights - Date nights are always a good thing. Relationships most definitely change after a baby - don't let anybody tell you different. Having time together as a couple is healthy, and very much needed. Some days Max and I barely speak to each other...not because we're fighting or anything like that, but caring for a baby is very time-consuming and some days it feels like we never even said hello. Taking some time out and going to a movie or dinner or doing whatever feels like heaven.

5) During the first year with your baby, hold them as much as possible. It's not spoiling them, it's reassuring them that you are there, that you will always be there.

I wouldn't change a thing that Max or I have done during this first year. Yes, it's been a learning experience and would we do things differently if we have another? Probably not. From what I can tell so far, Lola seems like a happy, well-adjusted, intelligent and most importantly, healthy baby girl. Can I still call her my baby girl? You betcha! She will always be my baby!

In conclusion, this past year has been the best year of my life. I cannot imagine life without her. I wouldn't change a thing about my life. I love being a mother, a provider and a partner. Motherhood is definitely a journey, a lifetime journey, and I am very much looking forward to what the next year has in store.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOLA! WE ALL LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH!

Daddy!

Well, this Father's Day was the first official one for dear daddy Max. Unfortunately, due to my paycheck & work issues, I didn't have the means to go out and buy anything or order anything material for him. So, we ended up going out to lunch, anywhere he wanted, which was Fuddruckers, and we went shopping for some new toys for his bike. Not much, but he got a nap in and I didn't bug him to help me clean all day, so he got a break from that!



I do wish I could have done more for him, because I hope he knows how much I truly appreciate him. I try really hard not to take him and his presence for granted. Myself included, there are so many families out there who do not/did not have their fathers around. The more I think about it, the sadder it makes me. I cannot imagine trying to raise Lola alone, and obviously I know that it is possible and that there are so many mothers out there who do it, but just the thought of him not being there for his daughter can bring me to tears. I know what it was like growing up without a male role model, and I think this had a lot, if not everything to do with some of the bad choices I made in regards to men. It just breaks my heart to think that Lola may have to experience some of the stuff that I have. So, I thank my lucky stars every day for Max and I feel so blessed that he is so involved in Lola's life. I just hope that she is never without him! And I hate to think of "what-if he leaves one day..." because ultimately, it's not a pleasant thought and I think we are in a good enough spot to where that won't happen, but then again, you never know what could change in the matter of a few years. BUT - I do not dwell on those thoughts, just the happy ones! I love that he plays with her as he would a son - wrestling moves, throwing elbows on the elephants, and just plain, but moderate and super gentle, rough-housing. And I also love that he babies her and if she bumps her head or falls down and cries, he is right there to pick her up and cuddle her, while telling her that he will "kick that floors ASS!"


I couldn't be happier that Max is such a great daddy and I think I've finally convinced him that he should be another daddy soon!! Well, not soon-soon, but some time in the next few years, most definitely. And I couldn't be happier with my little family. I love this whole motherhood and family thing. It's my new favorite thing in the world.

Some things

Here are a few things that I will focus my mind on until I get paid:

I am sooo getting this chair personalized for my babycakes. And I will probably get the stuffies, too. And can I just mention that Lola WILL have a room straight from the Pottery Barn Kids catalog. Wow, they have some amazing stuff. One item at a time! I'm sure we'll accumulate a put-together room by the time she's a teenager.

Thinking about my sweet baby girl and her upcoming birthday party. It may not be the best one ever, but I'll make damn sure she is happy.

I'm thinking a bottle tonight will do me. Cabarnet Sauvignon, how I love thee and your robust flavors. Specs - excpect a visit from me soon.

I know what I'm eating for dinner tonight, and it's going to be awesome.

Seriously?

Naturally, I'm not a worry-wart and I don't stress over much...but when your job is at stake, it's hard to not stress out. Was given the news the other day that our paychecks will not be processed on the expected date. Given that we are only paid monthly, it makes it really hard to not get that paycheck when you expect it. So far, still nothing. We (the company) have no money in our accounts and therefore cannot pay the three employees who show up everyday and perform their jobs to the best of their abilities. Expected payment is this week, but who knows if that is actually going to happen. If it doesn't come in on the promised date, I know someone who isn't returning to the office until that money is in her account! It's a scary prospect, losing your job, or rather, not getting paid for work performed. I know, eventually I will be paid, but until then, my stress levels are higher than usual. And I hate that.

Suffice to say, I am on the job hunt once again. Have had two interviews with two different agencies this last week and another interview pending. I also hate searching for jobs. That's a quick way to knock you off your pedestal. Potential employers scrutinizing your job history, asking the necessary questions - all just to tell you that you aren't qualified enough or your background doesn't match their needs. But, in the end, once you do land that sought after position, it makes it all worth it. All of those other people who passed on you don't seem to matter in the long run. I'm just thankful that I am still employed and have time to try to find the perfect fit for me.

So, currently stressed out and super sad because it's Lola's first birthday and there is tons of stuff to buy and get ready for, but I don't yet have the money to do so. I mean...ANY other month it would have been a little better and more bearable...but my baby's first birthday!? C'mon. It's amazing what a lift and life-saver that money you depend on turns out to be. Fingers crossed that I won't have to go on a mini-strike at the end of the week. But then again, maybe that will give me more time to interview.

Please, bank account - - refill & replenish thyself. Or more accurately - company bank account, please refill & replenish thyself.

Ugh.

Official...

So, my official time for the Impact a Hero 5K was 33:49. That's 2.5 minutes better than my last 5k! Yay. I almost ran the whole time; I had to stop a few times to rest and regain, but I tried my best to finish quicker than before.

It was a fun run. Sad, and yes, I even cried a little bit - for the cause and all. I felt this swell of emotion when I got there and saw all of the military gear and triple-amputee soldiers walking/wheeling about. I could barely contain myself when the mini-parade began and the crowd fell silent, some were saluting, others clapping, and the tour bus full of wounded Iraq vets drove by. Goodness...that was when it all fell apart. So freaking sad yet grateful at the same time. So many sacrifices. Seeing the guys with their babies, and wives...and knowing that they gave up so much just to serve their country. I have always respected the military and what they stand for; but I have a new-found respect and admiration for our soldiers. I love them.

I'm grateful that I was able to participate and am proud that I finished the race in a decent time. I am already looking for the next 5K to run. I need to start trying for a 10K soon. Because, ultimately...I would love to try the half-marathon in January. Need to begin some serious training, though. 13 miles is no joke!